


L’appel du vide

by beyondtheblackness



Category: Original Work
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-03-08
Updated: 2021-03-08
Packaged: 2021-03-14 04:59:39
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,132
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29911767
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/beyondtheblackness/pseuds/beyondtheblackness





	L’appel du vide

she isn't sure when it starts. 

maybe it's the small gestures. the snarky remarks, with slight undertones of tentative affection. the playful banter. 

or maybe it was just.. him. 

being around him. smiling, laughing with him. arguing with him, only to tease and laugh after. it was a routine, really. 

it was comfort. it was home. warm, smiles, laughter. it came with him, and with them. 

she knew she would do anything, to keep them safe. to protect her home. 

but when did it start? 

when did those glares start to sour? that voice spouted insults that left empty holes in her heart. left her feeling dumb; empty and stupid, wondering why on earth she'd decided this was a good idea. 

she pretended not to notice. 

she tried her best to ignore it, smiling more, switching her masks and fixing her hair. making sure they'd never know. she had no idea. she was completely, definitely clueless. 

until she wasn't. 

this time, she probably could guess when it started. 

she knew when he started ignoring her, leaving her hanging in every conversation, actively insulting her whenever he spotted one of her many flaws. 

why did he change..? 

was the relationship she valued so much so fleeting to him? was she chasing after his shadow all along, staring at the back of someone she'd never ever reach? 

someone she didn't deserve to reach? 

someone she knew she could never stand before, presenting the truth? 

someone she stood before anyway, presenting her heart on a platter only to get used and turned away?

someone whom she cared about, but would never care for her in any way? 

... 

they changed too, at some point. 

she no longer felt welcome in their home. 

their laughing voices joked about topics she would never understand, things that didn't include her. they would carry on without her, just the same. nothing would change for them. 

even her best friend, she could tell. she was growing up, wasn't she? she was a wonderful older sister. she was a great friend. she would continue to grow, to encourage others and get more courageous herself. the girl wishes she could be like her, brave enough to grow stronger. but she was a coward, and a weakling. she would never grow, and she would never be bold enough to try. 

even her other friend, who never even cared about her. she could pretend all she wanted, but she knew she wasn't wanted here. her jokes only flew over her head. she played games that the girl would never be able to try. she was better off with the others, laughing and enjoying herself. the girl wishes she could be as carefree. but she wasn't. she was uptight and boring, and a horrible liar. 

even that girl who had relied on her what felt like centuries ago, she drifted away. she no longer texted. she never initiated anything, only replied with curt awkward "haha"'s, or short series of emojis. if she ever replied at all. she wasn't worthless at all, not like she once admitted, she was sweeter and more welcoming than anyone else. she would go a long way, even though she was weak. she had a strength that the girl didn't see anywhere else. she doesn't know if she wants to be as kind as her. she rather likes not caring. 

it was then the girl realized her home wasn't here, either. 

everything she'd thought about was just a sick fantasy. she didn't belong here. she didn't belong anywhere. and fantasy would never, ever mix with reality. 

they made sure she knew that. 

he made sure she knew that. 

she could still feel the rising, burning shame from his laughing insults. exposing her for what she was. for what she liked. for what she fantasized about. 

she knew it was all just a lie. an impossible, beautiful reality that was too farfetched and unrealistic to actually ever occur. much less to her. 

but, did it ever hurt anyone to fantasize? to simply fool oneself; to believe that she wasn't alone, that the warmth that lay next to her wasn't her own, that she could talk to someone that would understand, and would love her as she was. someone who would care for her at her all time lows, who wouldn't abandon her, and would share her interests without laughing or getting weirded out. 

but it was too good to be true.

and that was all she was good for. 

fantasies. fake realities. lies. beautiful, beautiful lies. 

until he shattered them all. stomping on the pieces. grinding it all to dust. 

the shards crashed down on her, leaving her bloody and broken. 

the bed was no longer warm and welcoming, as it once was. it was just a cot; a sponge for her tears and her empty meaningless thoughts. 

her phone was simply a way to pass time. she no longer found happiness in it. (or anything, really. she would just do anything to pass the time. more like, she desperately needed it to pass. if it went by any slower, she would go insane.) 

everything was so hopeless. 

nothing brought her joy. 

not physical pleasure, not the sounds from her favourite instrument, not hearing their laughter over the phone, (that actually made her feel worse) or even exploring other worlds though words and stories. nothing worked.

and she told no one. she wanted no one to know, because she knew they would leave her, humiliate her. 

no one could know. 

... 

this time, she knew exactly when it started. 

when her legs started to ache, the bags under her eyes starting to grow. 

her lies never ceased, her mask cracking apart but held together with shaking, bleeding hands. cracked, shaking, paralyzed and numb. but holding up somehow. 

her notebook slowly filled with plans, her head throbbing with thoughts that she knew she would be too cowardly to go through with. 

coward. 

she could only fantasize, imagining how she would stare out into the sky, wondering how it all came to this. imagining how much courage she would have as she flew away, finally, finally. imagining how it would feel to be blissfully gone. 

but she can't. 

she... is she scared? 

she's scared of the things she'll leave behind. all the fun things, the sad things. she's so fucking scared. but there's no other way. she has to go. she knows she has enough money to pay for the memorial (about $****+), and the cremation (about $****+). she knows there should be some left over, for her family. 

but she's so fucking scared. 

her heart is so empty, and it scares her so bad. 

she wants to go, but doesn't. 

she cares, but she can't. 

she's scared, but she's empty. 

she's here, but she's long gone.


End file.
